Memorial Day - a Memorial Day in the Present

Maybe I should call this memory day. On this day I have my wife's parents struggling with one of the hardest diseases of all -- Alzheimer's. These people are drugged, set aside behind locked doors, and told anything but the truth, all to control them enough so that they are safe to themselves and to the others around them. Some people would say that sounds like politics as usual.

So why do I mention all this because we all know we all have problems. So why relent and complain? Why not be positive and keep looking up at the sky?

I think because I learned a few lessons along the way. My mother-in-law would not take high blood pressure medication so we called the doctor. He put her into the system and she wound up in a lock down facility where they diagnosed, treated, and medicated her with the latest psychotropic drugs. They were proud of themselves and call themselves state-of-the-art, the latest in today's treatments for Seniors. Now she is a controlled person, not out-of-control.

My first visit after they declared her controlled -- she ordered them out of her room and refused medications. Ah, I said, they have problem too!

But they persisted and after three days of controlled behavior they can downsize her to a facility willing to lock them up with no key to get out -- only key pads with special numbers that limit access in or out. Now there, she wanted out and ordered them out -- right now, do what I say, I tell you, let me go right now. After a few more days she resolved her resolute attitude to being glad to see anyone who would visit her. I can't help but think that could be me.

In an interview with a Doctor he began to extol the virtues of their program. You must change your thinking, he said, do not ask yes or no questions, simply direct them. They will over time begin to follow directions. We keep upping the medication until they do. Then we drop it down. When they are controllable on a smaller dose, then we can let them go to a proper facility that can manage their care.

Would you tell a child who is going to the Dentist that they will pull his teeth and inject needles to fix his dental problems? No. You make it a nice time and let the dentist do their job. So it is with children. Seniors become like children. You must take responsibility for their welfare. Only make someone else the bad guy. If they can't go into a room, lock it and say the city won't allow anyone in there anymore. If they must not leave the house, put on a latch and prevent them from going out. When they are not willing to take medication, then grind it up and put it into ice cream, food, or drink -- be creative but give them medication.

I thought, how strange, we could have been told that on day one. Grind up the high blood pressure medication and give it to her in ice cream. End of story -- no lock down, no Alzheimer's unit, and no loss of freedom from living at home where the folks love to stay. No invocation of Durable Power of Attorney for medical treatment, for finances -- no power struggles within a family that has hidden agenda. But no, too late, my lesson came too late, the damage is done.

The silliest policy I have ever heard of is "let us see what will happen." Given a decade in Iraq need I say more. The only sillier one I've heard is "let us pull out as soon as possible", or how about "in six months I will lead our country out of there because I'm a leader." How about, "this could take 100 years." We should be involved, anxiously engaged in foreign affairs with sound and wise policy makers. It doesn't matter to me if it be Republican, Democrat or even Independent -- a sound and wise policy should resonate, and make even more sense over time.

Why did we get introduced to sound and wise policies after it could of helped us maintain the folks with greater independence in their own home? Now the radar is off the map, the controllers in the system have pat answers, and when we step into help we are considered visitors. They certainly listen to us but the decisions feel like a war zone. Your Mother-In-Law is being transfered this morning to XYZ location and you need to sign the dotted line for her care.

Dad followed quickly after Mom. Yes, he is in a lock-down facility. Only he plots constantly to escape. Unfortunately his memory shows less promise. It is sad when you tell him you are David (my name) and when you leave he tells you, "my name is David." Is that memory with a lisp? One day he actually made it out. They caught him and brought him back.

Now we have responsible parties in the family. Now we have doctors appointing and ordaining those to control the decisions, the money, the future of these seniors -- with a veiled threat that should they choose unwisely, they will be held accountable in court for a bad decision.

Today my Mom called me -- and we talked as I sat in my Father-In-Law's office and got his computer working again. It hit me as I saw his computer expertise, the fine books collected from all kinds of knowledge pools, and the incredible ingenuity of his office that this was the mark of an educated, astute, and successful man. My Mom asked me when I could visit her and all I could think of was the goal of passing the acupuncture boards and paying off student loans. It was hard to be there for her and I think she sensed it.

In all our getting, get understanding -- that is what proverbs says. And the words Jeff House wrote in college came back to me. "Take no heed, of the people by your side, just relax, flow gently with the current, sail, like the gulls gliding gently in the wind" -- somewhere in that passage is a message -- one that gives us strength past difficult times. Yes, I need to visit my Mom. I think it is important to give those around us our best foot forward at the time they need it.

Maybe I'll end on this note -- I believe with all my heart that my wife's Mother and Dad know we tried everything to keep them independent, we loved them the best we could when we could, and we'll continue to learn lessons so that we may continue to be there for them. I do believe in family as our most precious resource and the primary unit of our society. And where it falls down, we must in our humanity pick it up for those around us and keep moving forward.