Red Badge of Courage

Jon Ryan had given me this book years ago and I lost it. To my defense it was a small book in a big library of school books. Still -- I felt compelled to read it. Something was there for me to read and understand. I feel that way with most books. And when your mind is turning around the events of your life it is a great time to reflect on the thoughts of others.

This book is the feelings of a youth as he faced war in all its brutal realities. His first battle was a noble fight which left them high on success. Then the enemy came to fight again and he turned tail and ran away. He found himself retreating with the wounded and came to grips with the questions,

"where yer hit?".

Isn't that human nature as we fight a trial in which we find ourselves in retreat? We slide back to a comfort zone but the demands of life around us that bring us here will continue to haunt and follow us. None of us escape the trial of our moments. But life goes on, battles go on, and even the end for some, I believe, is still another beginning.

This youth came to regard "the wounded soldiers in an envious way. He conceived persons with torn bodies to be peculiarly happy.

He wished that he, too, had a wound, a red badge of courage."

What is reality in war? What is reality in peace? My parents have often told me they want me to be happy. They come to my defense readily and often say it is for the best. I'm often uncertain what to say -- I almost want to cry. The truth is we each carry our own truth and justify our actions in our own way.

When things fall apart in my life I have always returned to the one standard that holds up in war or peace -- Proverbs 3:5-6 -- simple trust. It seems so obvious to me that lack of trust in another person is like a canker sore that eats through the skin and infects the body. So I trust the one person I know can fill me with light and even burn every fiber of my being with fire. I trust the Lord with all of my heart for my heart is broken. And throw away my meager understanding for truly I do not understand or see the way in or out. And I acknowledge God in all I do so that He can direct my paths.

"Yeh might have some queer kind 'a hurt yerself. Yeh can't never tell.

Where is your'n located?"

I'm not sure where it is located. I'm grateful to be alive. I'm grateful to be feeling what I am feeling. I'm grateful to be moving ahead in my life. I'm grateful to be surrounded by good friends.

I can look inward and find weaknesses but I realize we all can -- in any trial or tribulation. Even my Dad who struggles with memory and sometimes babbling not knowing what he is saying is left to wonder at life's cruel turns. He simply gives it up to God -- he lets God take care of what he can not do for himself. My Dad who eats a small portion (for he can not longer eat a whole meal) and wonders if he won't be vomiting it up again -- is left to wonder why me? But he goes out and cares for the shut ins with a smile on his face. He goes and plays gospel music for those in a nursing home. His pain registers with every step in his face from the ends of nerves frayed like loose wires. I think I'm beginning to see a red badge of courage.

"Oh, don't bother me!"

Such an attitude pervades our society. Risk is actually the healthy way of dealing with life. Love, I have discovered, is a principle of power actuated by our willingness to touch another life in an honest confrontation which leads to greater love. Love begets love. "You may puzzle at me when I tell you your not loving me is the most love I've ever had ... but anyone who has given into loving will know and understand." I remember putting those words to Rod McKuen to music and it was spell binding.

"His companions seemed ever to play intolerable parts. They were ever upraising the ghost of shame on the stick of their curiosity." So the youth felt tortured by his own inadequacy, a figment of his own imagination, and he became his own worse enemy. He slid further and further away from the battle and began to retreat even from the wounded.

"Now, don't bother me ..." the youthful plea stung those about him who had no idea of the harm their words had risen within his heart.

"Well, Lord knows, I don't wanta bother anybody."

This was the response from his wounded soldier trying to make it back from the battlefield with battle scars. An honorable man trying to stay alive with mortal wounds. Eventually this youth turned back to the battle. And with new lessons imprinted on his brain fought boldly in the face of overwhelming odds -- only he did not back down and inspired others to fight on where there wasn't a chance.

And

"who was that lad who carried th' flag?"

There is a bit of us in this lad who carried the flag. There are moments we all carry the flag forward. Despite our weaknesses, our failings, our times of being down -- there is a time we carry the flag forward and over come the declining nature of life around us and life within us.

Others looked at the youth as

"a very good man t' have"

and admired his courage to be in the heat of battle. I think I see the good in all of us -- it a choice we make to do and be good. It isn't always an easy choice. It isn't always the choice we make the first time. I think I see in ordinary life the red badge of courage.

"He kep' th' flag 'way t' th' front" in the thick of the battle. We are all placed there eventually. We feel these losses and the gains. We feel the successes and the failures. In fact, I think I see the battle ground all around me with voices on both sides trying to coach us to their own side. It is a confusing battle array with many voices aimed at us. We may turn and run at times. We may rise to the front and pitch our causes with the best of them. Or we may be content to settle down and do what we need to do without committing to those around us. Or we may even run away from it all a bit.

"He's a good un"

because he was able to overcome and face the battle. He was able to lead a charge up the hill again. The past fell away like the sun or moon -- and life changed.

A red badge of courage was earned this day

on a battlefield.